In summary, a 4-year-old girl and her friend were racing their bicycles under the supervision on their mothers on the sidewalk in Manhattan. At some point, they hit an 87-year-old woman and injuring her. The lady died three months later. The estate of the lady sued the children and their mothers for negligent. The judge decision was not about whether they are liable or not, but only to permit a lawsuit against the children and their parents to go forward.

Since this was just a short description from the incident, I don’t have any opinion on whether this was a tragic accident or this was more of a negligent. I wonder what the intention of the estate in suing the family, and I wonder how the parents approached the accident (did they show care and concern to the lady? Or did they just care about their kids’ rights?). Some commenters also suggest that including the children is the only way to sue the parents. I am not a lawyer, so I have no idea why the lawyers do what they do.

But what get me thinking is whether suing is the best way of resolving such a problem. It seemed to me that such a case should be resolved family to family, heart to heart. In my ideal world, I believe that the children need to know that what they did was wrong, but I don’t think it’s necessary for them to be sued. The parents need to have the humility to apologize. And the lady’s family need to be listened for their loss and pain but they need to forgive and let things go. I think this is what a compassionate and caring society should be. Can we accept that sometime things happen and let’s deal with it together rather than against each other? Can we take responsibilities just enough but not too much? And can we take responsibilities without being taking advantage of? To me, the more litigious our society is, the more we cannot do this because we have to defend and fight against each other. And this, put me unease.

It is interesting to hear in the trailer, that Liz spoke of Italy, India, and Bali, as if Bali is a country like Italy or India. More correctly, Bali is a small island in Indonesia, the fourth most populous country in the world, after India, China, and the US.

Culturally, Bali is very unique because the majority of the people there are Hindus whereas the majority of Indonesians are Muslim. The World Factbook said that 86.1% of almost 243 millions Indonesians are Muslim which put Indonesia as a country with the most Muslims (almost 210 millions Muslims) followed by Pakistan, India, and Bangladesh. Just in case some of you are curious, about 62% of the world Muslims live in Asia, not in the Middle-East.

Back to Bali, although Bali is a small island, its unique culture, beautiful beaches, island life style makes it a very attractive place to visit. There is something for everybody. Those who like the beach and to surf can spend time in the beach area like Kuta. For people like me and DH who like more of the art and the quietness of nature, you can stay in Ubud.

During our stay there, in the morning, we strolled around Ubud to see temples, or pura they call them, and galleries. At night, we went to see dance performance. One of the most interesting ones is called Kecak Dance, where the men would be dancing while chanting the word “cak, cak, cak, cak”. Sometimes the men would go into trance and walk on fire or stab themselves with dagger without being injured.

Getting around Bali is quite easy as well. There are many private driver that one can hire for a very decent price. There are also many types of Pura, small, large, on top of a hill, in a  lake, close to the ocean, etc. The one on the left, for example is called Tanah Lot, and is accessible during low tide. If you are thinking of visiting Bali, Frommer’s online has many good information.

Well, that’s it about my trip to Bali, Indonesia – one of the most memorable and relaxing place to be. May be love does blooms in such a magical place. What do you think? What is your favorite vacation place?

Today, I am allowing things to be. There is nothing to fix, nothing to analyze, nothing to optimize. My intention today is to allow and to observe as details as possible, as best as I can. To be aware and to be mindful.

Why? Because in allowing, I don’t have to struggle against myself and make things more complicated than it is, and by observing I hope to see the deeper part of my beings. Relax to whatever happens enable me to see the natural unfolding of events. And you know what, many of them unfold to its beautiful states without me having to interfere.

So today that will be my intention, to give rest to my analytical and problem solving mind.

So last night/this morning, we went to stargaze and we’re hit with reality. Number one, finding a good and safe and legal place to stargaze without being blinded by lights or ran over by cars or blocked by cloud are not easy. By the time we got to a place with good opening, clear and dark enough sky, it was already close to 12:30 a.m. !

Number two, we’re sleepy and concerned about our next day work. So we decided to go back at 2:00 a.m. We are not morning people, but if we were, we should have gone at 4:00 a.m. As a result, we got to see only about 20 falling stars, more than I’ve seen in regular days, but not as near as the reported peak. It’s still quite something though to see those stars in the sky plus the planets (Jupiter was very bright last night).

If you are like me, you kinda know what meteor shower is, but you don’t quite know what it is. Here are some of my findings:

Meteor shower is an event in which many meteors are observed to radiate from one point in the night sky. Last night is called Perseids meteor shower because it comes from the constellation Perseus. I honestly didn’t see it as radiating from one point. I saw them across the night sky – on my left, on my right, on the top, anywhere.

Apparently Perseid meteor shower has been around for a long time – something like 2000 years, and it can be seen mostly from the Northern Hemisphere. Every year, Perseid is active between July till August. This JPL-NASA website gives us a list of major meteor showers in 2010-2011 and also tips on seeing it.

Here is a link to an abc news program that makes me meteorly envious, especially considering that the location is in a residential place. They don’t even have to drive away from their house!

Anyway, enough rambling about Perseid. Tonight and tomorrow night, we’re planning to chase those meteors again. Hopefully, we can see more of them, or if not, at least we get to spend good time laughing with friends, and that’s probably the beauty of watching meteor showers with others.

Interesting Sky Color

In our every day life, we often encounter stress in our interaction with people – your boss demands you to get your work done NOW, your children nag you to get everything under the sun, your SO disapprove of your spending, etc.  All of these stress often impact our self-worth. We start to question whether we have been a good employee, parent, or partner. Virginia Satir, drawing for her many years of experience in helping people, saw that people have four universal patterns of communication while reacting to perceived threat.

The four patterns of communication:

1. Placate - appease the other person to avoid anger
2. Blame - the fault is on the other person
3. Compute - hide behind words and intellectual concepts
4. Distract - ignore threat, hoping to go away if done long enough.

I will do whatever you tell me to do. I am here to make you happy.

Placater

A placater talks in a way that is pleasing to the other person. She does not disagree, does not stand for herself, apologizes for things that are not her fault. A martyr parent or a “yes man” employee is an example of a person who is taking this role. The recipient is happy at the moment but later on resentment will brew.

If you want to learn more how this stance affects our body and mind, assume the position as shown in this picture for 60 seconds and check with your body how this feels, check with your thoughts and feelings as well. It is uncomfortable, isn’t it? And after while, we get tired of having to do this.

It's your fault. I'm the boss. You cannot do anything right.

Blamer

A blamer finds fault in others. He thinks that he is superior than everybody else, and that others have to obey him. A blamer is a dictator.

In reality, a blamer often does not feel good about himself. This stance makes him feel better because it often gets people to obey him. When people obey, he feels good and effective.

Just for fun, assume this stance, tighten your neck muscles, curled your lips, and criticized everybody and everything else for 60 seconds. Can you imagine how this impacts one’s health in the long run?

I am ultrareasonable, calm, cool, and collected. Rational thinking is superior than feeling.

Computer

This stance is unfortunately often thought as the ideal goal for many people. A computer is very correct, very reasonable, very logical. He does not show any feeling of vulnerability though she often feels it. He uses long, abstract words with a dry delivery. He is detached.

Don’t mistake him for a person who is centered, grounded, and calm. The latter is radiating with presence, warmth, and compassion. You know you are dealing with a computer because you will not feel understood.

To see how it feels, assume a sitting position that is rigid, push away your feeling, don’t move, not even muscle. See how you feel in this stance in comparison to other stances.

Du.du.du.du.du.. the Martian is coming...

Distractor

A distractor talks about unrelated subject while under stress. She does not talk to the point and very unfocused – who cares is the attitude. She is hoping that by doing this, the problem will go away.

If one is doing this stance for a while, the feeling of loneliness and purposelessness often emerge. Though it seems that nothing bothers her, it is actually a lonely and meaningless place to be.

So what is a good stance? Virginia Satir called this stance leveling or flowing.

Leveler

A leveler responds to situations congruently. In this stance, our body, voice, facial expressions are all of a match. The relationship feels easy, free, and honest. A leveler apologizes when she makes a mistake. If an error has been committed, she will evaluate fairly without blaming. Sometimes she will be talking intellectually as when she is lecturing or explaining something but her feeling is still intact. There is no machine-like feeling when dealing with this person.  When there is a problem, she will deal appropriately rather than shoving it under the rug. A leveler conducts life with integrity, commitment, and creativity. She is able to work out problems in a real way. Satir found that when people start to level, they found their hearts, feelings, bodies, and brains. As a result they found their souls and humanity. What a wonderful finding, don’t you think?

Well, that’s it for this installment of pattern of communication. What do you think? Can you find of an example for each of the stance? Which stance do you use the most?

*If you are interested in learning more, I recommend Virginia Satir’s book: The New Peoplemaking

A comforting present of a parent

A Lullaby of Comfort and Hope

Sleep, sleep, my dear child,
Do not you be worry,
Because tomorrow, the sun will greet you with a smile,
And the wind will blow softly on your face
to whisper its greetings

Sleep, sleep my dear child,
Take rest in the cradle of the night
Tomorrow God will wait for you to wake up
And He’ll embrace you in His arms
With a smile in His face
Because you are His beloved creation

Sleep, sleep my dear child,
The darkness of the night is nothing to fear of
Because it too will pass
And be changed by light

Sleep, sleep my dear child,
Because many of us wish you
That you may be safe,
That you may feel supported by your body,
That you may be content,
And that you may live freely.

The comfort of a loving family

Foot bridge - remind me of Japanese garden

If you are like me, looking for a cheap and healthy recreation activity, and you are blessed to live near places with natural beauty, hiking is the solution to what we are looking for. Living in the northern part of the beautiful state of California, DH and I have gone to love many of the parks and one of our favorite ones is called The Forest of Nisene Marks.

History

According to Wikipedia, Nisene Marks was a matriarch of a Salinas farming family that bought the land in their search of oil. After drilling effort returned nothing, in 1963 her children donated the 9,700 acres of land to California. The CA State Parks with the help of Save-The-Redwoods League expanded the park to 10,036 acres. Now the park boasts to have 30 miles of trails and are shared by hikers, joggers, and bikers.

Interesting Things to Find in Nisene Marks

Here in Nisene Marks you can find:

1. The epicenter of the California Loma Prieta quake in 1989.
2. The history, remnants, and information about logging industry (do you know how engineers solved the problem of carrying lumber through a steep incline? What is a bull donkey?).
3. The two waterfalls – Five Finger Falls and Maple Falls.

Five Finger Falls - July, 2010

Trails

Because the trails in Nisene Marks are for most part shaded, this park is a perfect hiking place during the Summer.

Shady and wide trail

Did I say shady? Well, even though you can be inside of the forest for a long time, there are also openings where you can cast your eyes far and see the magnificent beauty of the Bay Area. Here is one of the opening:

Well, that’s it for now about this magical place. If you live or visit the Santa Cruz area, please visit and enjoy this natural beauty. And if you have a chance, please share, what is your favorite hiking place?

10-10-10

In this book, Suzy Welch, the wife of Jack Welch – the ex-CEO of GE, imparted her wisdom on how to make decision in a systematic way. The method of 10-10-10 aims to analyze the impact of a decision in ten minutes, ten months, and ten years (or right now, foreseable future, and future that is very far off).

There are basically three steps to this method:

1. Define a question that exactly describe the issue one is trying to solve.
2. Collect data and ask what consequences are brought by each options in 10 minutes, 10 months, and 10 years.
3. Analyze and compare it with your values, then ask yourself which decision brings you closer to the life you want.

Sounds easy enough, isn’t it? That’s what I think. If the concept is so simple why does it need to be written as a book with 272 pages in it? Well, this book is a combination between Suzy’s life essay and the story of 10-10-10. Thus, the 272 pages. You do get to really understand the power and the way to use 10-10-10 by the end of the book because the many examples that she gave.

I also love this book for its value excavation. Suzy explained that 10-10-10 on its own is already powerful. When it’s combined with our values, 10-10-10 becomes a great tool to help us create an authentic life, a life according to our values.

Who is this book for?

This book is for those who are looking for ways to make decision methodically and enjoy a writing style that is non-theoretical. It’s a very easy to read book. If you are someone who knew about the brouhaha in the beginning of Jack’s and Suzy’s relationship like I do, you will get to hear her point of view in this matter. Then, there are stories about her children that can make you smile.

Who is it not for?

Because she wrote in a style that is conversational with many stories to illustrate her point (or sometimes just a story of her life),  this book is a bit lengthy for its content. Thus, if you are a to the point person, you will not enjoy it. The three steps I wrote above is the gist of the book. The rest is extra.

Will I recommend it?

Yes! Absolutely! I have used this method in my life and I should say it is a powerful method. Because of the methodological way in analyzing data and comparing it to your values, by the time you come into a conclusion, you will be very conscious on how you arrive there. As a result, you can explain it better to yourself and others. This will empower you and brings you closer to be a creator of your life.

Wildebeest - honestly I think they look ugly

This post was inspired by my Spanish online class. I’ve never expected that practicing grammar (the use of subjunctive, for those who want to know) can give idea for a post. But I guess that’s a life of a writer, idea can come from many different places.

Well, back to the topic, yesterday my teacher asked me this question: Do you want your friend to tell you the truth? (¿ Quieres que tu amiga diga la verdad? )  My answer was: depend. The follow up question was: depend on what? Well, thinking on my feet and speaking in Spanish about such a deep question are like juggling plates on a uni-bike. So I just mumbled out something. Now, that I have some time to think, I’d like to share with you what I thought in a slightly bigger context.

Will you tell somebody the truth? The truth here implies bad news or opposite opinion or hard to hear information. Well, here is my answer, it depends. It depends on:

1. Is this truth really the truth or is it a matter of opinion?

A lot of things are a matter of opinion. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder we said. Answering yes that it is an opinion does not mean that I will not tell it but I will make sure that I file it in my head as an opinion so that if I decide to tell it, I tell it as an opinion with possibilities that others may have opposite opinion.

2. What is my relationship to this person?

Relationships are not created equally. Most of us probably will not share our most honest opinions about our boss’ wife’s terrible dress choice. The same with friends as well. Each friendship has different flavor. Some friendships are not strong enough (yet) to handle difficult matters, some are.

3. Is this something that the person really does not know, and she/he needs and wants to know?

When your friend ask you “should I break up with this guy/gal?”, pause a bit before answering. Sometimes your friend is really ambivalent about it and genuinely wants to know your opinion. Sometimes he/she already made up their mind and just want support from you. And sometimes he/she asks without wanting to really know the answer.

If your friend is in the first state, there is a good possibility that you can tell your opinion. If your friend is in the second state, you may want to emphasize support before telling her your opinion. If your friend is in the third state, you know that you are fighting an uphill battle were you to decide to tell your opinion.

4. How can this information be of a use to the receiver?

I want to emphasis that the usefulness has to be from the point of view of the receiver. All of us probably have at one point or another received advise or feedback that are not very useful because we already know it or hurtful. I believe many of us have hot button issues that we’d rather not discuss.

I think in order to know whether something is of a use to the receiver or not, the messenger, to the best of our ability, has to put oneself in the receiver’s shoes and to see from his/her eyes.  Look not just at the matter at hand, but at the bigger context of the receiver’s life. By doing this, the messenger will gain a lot of insight on how to deliver the message as well.

5. Is the timing and the setting right?

There is a time and place to tell hard matters. I find that timing is often crucial in determining whether our opinions are accepted by the other person or not.

In term of setting, personally I prefer a one-on-one setting because in a group each person has different relationship with each other. Plus, I don’t like to embarrass the other person nor myself in front of others. Given that, I also know that there are times when group can give more powerful feedback.

This five questions are not a checklist but a way to get a better picture. After getting the picture, we can then decide our next move. May be, we just want to check if the information we have is right, may be we decide that we want to persuade her to really consider our point of view. Whatever we decide, we have to prepare for the implementation of communicating tactfully, which will be the subject of my next week musing.

Lounging around - not caring about time

Dear God,

Today is Friday. I’m trying very hard here not to say Thank God It’s Friday. I honestly often wonder, why is it that we are so prejudice about days. We hate Mondays and we love Fridays.  We often think our weekdays are long and our weekends are too short. We feel better if we start our resolution on New Year’s day or on a Monday or on the 1st of the month.

Have You observed that too, God? I sometimes imagine that You shake Your head when You are watching us from up there. Yeah, we often create our own suffering. We want the weekend to come fast and then when it arrives, we cling into it, and complain that it is too short.

I remember that series from StarTrek when Commander Data boiled a water and timed it while he was watching and while he did not watch. Both would be boiling after the same duration. But we, human, have a saying “a watched pots never boils“.

Even more strange is that after we said that, we actually often spend time obsessively watching our pots boil, or now that there is this activity called blogging, we watch our mail for new comments, new subscribers, or new followers. We are truly an interesting and irrational creatures, aren’t we?

Years ago, in school my teacher said that everyday is Your day. This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad, that’s the song that we were taught. It’s certainly easy for me to say that today. May be I’ll try to do that next week, and on a Monday since I want to develop a habit of liking each day equally. After all, I live in a supposedly equal opportunity country. Wish me luck!

Yours truly,

Maria